Halloween.

Halloween is one day of the year where kids get to dress like a stupid shit, walk around asking for sweets (Note: This is no different from a beggar). This is why Singapore doesn't celebrate Halloween, you see. Beggars are illegal in Singapore.



First, there is this "Trick or Treat!". What the hell is that? Is it a trick or is it a treat? Make up your mind. Wake up your bloody idea, or you can knock it down.

"Trick or Treat!" is what beggers say during Halloween. It's just like a different phrase, but complete with similar meaning. It's like "Beggar, Lazzaroni, Pauper, Fucker". All of them have the same meaning. Trick or Treat also means "Please give me food, Please give me water, Got 10cents?" It just depends on the seasons (summer, autumn, winter and spring).



Halloween is probably the worst day in the world. It is the day when everyone becomes a ghost.

ITE? JC? Poly? Part by Part Series: Polytechnic

What does a normal student do after secondary school education? Tertiary education, of course. In Singapore, we students would most likely learn in one these places: ITE, JC, or Poly. It is a difficult choice for many. This is when lifeaintsosimple.blogspot.com comes into play. With my expertise in tertiary education, I will list and elaborate on every advantage and disadvantage in these three areas. From there, choosing your type of graduation would be as easy as dropping a plane from the sky.

To make the report more reliable, I will quote every source taken from the internet. Take note that other than the crap I write, this article is fairly reliable.

Polytechnic:

Polytechnic comes from the word "POLYclinic" and "TECHNICal Difficulties". When joined together, it becomes: Polytechnic. From there, polytechnic is a place where your sicknesses will be cured in an instant and there would be many technical difficulties, such as the microphone malfunctioning during a speech about the dangers of crossing a road without opening your eyes.

The good thing about polytechnics is that they "have a wide range of learning institutions awarding different types of degrees and operating often at variable levels of the educational system" (Wikipedia). Another very bad but good thing is that you can wear anything you want, whether modest or not.

POP QUIZ! Which one of these students are/is studying in a polytechnic? :


This is a clue:


And the answer is.. :


See? Polytechnic students are the most outstanding looking pupils in every area of their social circle, be it their fashion sense or common sense.

Polytechnic students can choose over a wide variety of courses such as:

School of the Built Environment (BE)

• Diploma in Landscape and Architecture (DLA)
• Diploma in Architecture (DARCH)
• Diploma in Civil & Structural Engineering (DCSE)
• Diploma in Environmental Management and Water Technology
• Diploma in Integrated Events and Project Management
• Diploma in Property Development & Facilities Management (DPFM)
  • Property & Facilities Management
  • Quantity Surveying & Project Management

School of Business (SB)

School of Business

• Diploma in Accountancy (DAC)
  • Integrated Accounting & Practice
  • IT and E-Commerce
  • Business Development
  • International Business
• Diploma in Banking & Financial Services (DBFS)
  • Banking
  • Financial Trading
• Diploma in Business Administration (DBA)
  • Human Resource Management
  • Marketing Management
  • Retail Management
  • Supply Chain Management
  • Tourism Management
• Diploma in Business Information Technology (DBIT)
  • E-Business Technology
  • E-Business Management
• Diploma in Media & Communication (DMC)
• Diploma in Tourism & Resort Management (DTRM)
• Certificate in Business (PCB)

School of Chemical & Life Sciences (CLS)

School of Chemical & Life Sciences

• Diploma in Biotechnology (DBT)
  • Biotechnology
  • Bioinformatics
• Diploma in Chemical Engineering (DCHE)
• Diploma in Chemical Process Technology (DCPT)
  • Polymer Technology
  • Food Technology
  • Industrial Chemistry
• Diploma in Biomedical Science (DBS)
  • Medical Technology
  • Cardiac Technology
• Diploma in Optometry (DOPT)

School of Design (SD)

• Diploma in Creative Media Design (DCMD)
• Diploma in Games Design & Development (DGDD)
• Diploma in Interior Design (DID)

School of Electrical & Electronics Engineering (EEE)

School of Electrical & Electronics Engineering

• Diploma in Aerospace Electronics (DASE)
• Diploma in Bioelectronics (DBE)
• Diploma in Computer & Network Technology (DCNT)
• Diploma in Electrical & Electronic Engineering (DEEE)
  • Aerospace Engineering
  • Biomedical Engineering
  • Business
  • Electrical Engineering (Control)
  • Electrical Engineering (Power)
  • Electronic Engineering (Communication)
  • Electronic Engineering (Computer)
  • Microelectronics
  • Design
• Diploma in Electronics, Computer & Communication Engineering (DECC)
  • Computer Systems Technology
  • Microelectronics
  • Telecommunications
• Diploma in Information Communication Technology (DICT)
  • Server Management and Services
  • Broadband and Security Services

School of Media & Infocommunication Technology (MIT)

School of Media & Infocommunication Technology

Notes: Previous abbreviation ICT

• Diploma in Information Technology (DIT)
  • Bioinformatics
  • Information Systems
  • Mobile Applications Development
  • Game Development
• Diploma in Music & Audio Technology (DMAT)
• Diploma in Digital Media (DDM)
  • 3D Animation and Video
  • Interactive Applications
• Diploma in Infocomm Security Management (DISM)

School of Mechanical & Manufacturing Engineering (MM)

• Diploma in Aeronautical Engineering (DARE)
• Diploma in Mechanical Engineering (DME)
  • Biomedical Engineering
  • Energy Systems
  • Materials
  • Pharmaceuticals
  • Informatics
  • Teaching Factory (TF)
  • Creativity, Innovation and Enterprise (CIE)
• Diploma in Mechatronics (DMA)
  • Mechatronics
  • Teaching Factory (TF)
• Diploma in Bioengineering (DBEN)
• Specialist Diploma in CNC Application (PSCNC)

Singapore Maritime Academy (SMA)

• Diploma in Marine Engineering (DMR)
• Diploma in Maritime Transportation Management (DMTM)
• Diploma in Nautical Studies (DNS)

(Source: Singapore Polytechnic website)

While Junior Colleges only teach these subjects:

English/Literature
Science P/B/C
E/A/F Math
Mother tongue M/C/T
Digital/not digital Arts
CCAs, such as: Math Club and Fishing Club.

(The above mentioned information cannot be used as a reliable information, please ignore the previous paragraph)

Conclusion:


Tune in for the next part: Junior Colleges.

This doesn't really make sense.

People. Have you ever questioned yourself how you fall down? I did. I usually fall while running because I tend to stop suddenly, resulting in loss of balance and eventually falling down. This happens very often to me, so I kind of got use to it. Another way which I usually fall is because the floor is wet, most probably due to rain. But most often, I fall down because

..

I stepped on a fucking banana peel.

I don't understand. Why do adults teach young children that banana peel is slippery? I mean, whats the point? I don't see people going around telling everyone crap like these.



This is because it doesn't really matter. People don't really care about the texture of fruit peels, people care about the fruit. Whether it sucks or not. Now look carefully at the picture again.



Notice the banana peel in front of the boy? What do you think will happen? Will he step on it? If so, then what?



Now take a closer look. Now you know the boy is definitely going to step on it without a doubt. The question now is what will happen if he step on it.


...
...
...
...
...

...

...

...

...

...

...


So, the boy fell. Which he shouldn't anyway because you just can't. I took a simple experiment using a stick and a small pyramid to prove that.




First, I use a small pyramid to replace the banana peel, since the shape of the banana peel and the pyramid is similar to a large extent. Then I replace the boy's leg with a FALLEN tree branch (which means I didn't break any branches off trees).

What I did is simple. I held the tree branch firmly in place as shown in the picture above. Then I slowly pushed the stick down vertically, perpendicular to the ground, touching the pyramid at an angle of around 0-90 degree. Surprisingly, the stick did not slip out of my hand. This proves that you can't fall on banana peels.

So what had happened? The pyramid had moved to the right. It didn't really stand a chance against the stick, really.



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Now, lets ASSUME that people can actually fall when he/she steps on banana peel alright. Who the hell would be so unlucky anyway? Who the hell throws banana peel ON THE FLOOR everywhere they go? I mean, do you see banana peels everyday? It's not as if banana peels are invisible, right? It's bright yellow, and the ground you are stepping on will probably be grey, which creates a very significant contrast.





HOW THE HELL CAN YOU STILL STEP ON A BANANA PEEL?

When metaphors become REAL!

(This is a relatively long post, full of crap and nonsense. If you get tired while reading this post, look at faraway objects, green preferably. Remember to switch off all electric appliances in your house, including the refrigerator. This message is brought to you by Live Earth.)

What is a metaphor? According to onelook.com, a metaphor is "a figure of speech in which an expression is used to refer to something that it does not literally denote in order to suggest a similarity". In EnEn's terms, it means: a few alphabets joined together that do not make sense. Example:

"The guy is a rock."

The guy is a rock? The guy is a rock? What nonsense is that? You would surely fail your English test and retain the year if you wrote that in your examinations.

Imagine..

"The large, landscaping sky hovers above me like the blanket soothing me every night. The sands of the shores glimmer with water reflecting rays of bright coloured light to my eyes.. The guy is a rock."

The marker would surely laugh at the composition, share it with his colleagues and send e-mails to his friends! Do you want that to happen? Of course not. No one wants to get humiliated, with the exception of all clowns.

Metaphors are used by pupils to colour their compositions and pass with flying colours (I just used two metaphors!). Metaphors are quite useful, but once they become "literal", it is dangerous. Imagine God using metaphors. We will all die!

(The word "god" in this article is not used to refer to any religion, it is only used to refer to anything/anyone that can do anything they/it/he/she want(s). Thank you for understanding.)

God: Hello my friend!
Friend: Woah, the world is feeling hot now. Global warming is taking shape..
God: I will sweep the nation with the broom of fortune.
Friend: What?
God: As in, give them food, water and minerals.
Friend: Oh..

Take note: By this time, millions would have died if a giant broom really swept them.

This is the worst metaphor in the whole wide world. This metaphor is frequently used by teachers and humans alike. And it is..

"Put yourself in someone's shoe"


I am not trying to say that teachers are bad. Teachers are very intelligent people teaching pupils or whoever to allow them to enter university/poly/clinic/junior college or even I.T.E.(it's the end). They deserve a great deal of respect. But once they use the phrase..

"Put yourself in someone's shoe"

..it's no laughing matter:

"You think what? Want to fight is it? Don't you ever DARE put me in your shoes. Your shoes size 8. My body size 56. How can I fit in? Wahlau, you think what? You're the boss? You think you're funny? Not funny ah. Whatever ah. This is not what I expect of you. I thought you're a good and well cultured person. But NO! Once I heard the metaphor in my ears, it's the end. I hate you. I hate you!" - A pupil who heard the "deadly" metaphor.

The real meaning of "put yourself in someone's shoe" is actually "To imagine that you're the person" or something like that. But to us, it's actually "to squash someone, most probably to death, into a shoe of his friend".

It's not funny. It's not funny. It's not funny.

Thank you for reading.

(I don't mean to insult ANY teacher in ANY school, please read my disclaimer before scolding me. Thank you for your kind and wonderful understanding. You're the best.)

UFOs.

First and foremost, I would like to tell you the meaning and the paradox behind the term "UFO". UFOs are any unidentified flying objects. Alright, here is the paradox. The paradox is: When you identify a flying object as a UFO, it cannot be called a UFO because it is already identified, and when you stop identifying it, it will be a UFO again. So you're back in square one. I can repeat the sentence till the cows come home, but unfortunately, they came back home already.

Facts about UFOs:

1) All UFOs land on the United States of America.

Have you ever realized that you have never read a UFO encounter that reads something like this:

"I saw a UFO, it is not in the United States of America."

ALL reported UFO encounters occur in the USA. As quoted from Wikipedia:

"Reports of unusual aerial phenomena date back to ancient times, but reports of UFO sightings started becoming more common after the first widely publicized United States sighting in 1947."


2) Increased UFO sightings are caused by the increase in the playing of Frisbee.

ALL UFOs look like saucers. When one plays the Frisbee, one will look up, see the Frisbee, and immediately conclude that it is a UFO. Have you ever thought of UFOs when you're playing with a Frisbee?*

*P.S. The answer is "Yes".


3) ALL UFOs are aeroplanes that were built in Area 51.

The US government loves to prank their fellow citizens. They PURPOSEFULLY fly a round aeroplane and wait for someone to call them. This is a report:

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Witness: Hello, is this the police?
Police: Yeah, obviously. You dialed 911.
Witness: Right.. I saw a flying saucer just now!
Police: Does it look like a Frisbee?
Witness: Yes. It was flying very fast!
Police: Was it fun watching it fly?
Witness: Yes, very fun.
Police: So it's not an emergency right? Bye.

*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*
*The number you have just dialed is not in use, please call again, thank you for using Starhub, most affordable, most reliable.*

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UFOs are not true, okay? There are no such thing as aliens. Look at the Sun.. Obviously, no one can ever live there. With that, I assume that every planet looks and behaves like the Sun. So, there are no such thing as aliens. If you still believe that they exist, please visit:

http://www.iamaloser.com/iadmitit/seriously

Thank you for reading.

Live Earth.

"Live Earth was a series of worldwide concerts held on July 7, that initiated a three-year campaign to combat climate change and advocate environmentally-sustainable living. The concerts brought together more than 150 musical acts in eleven locations around the world and were broadcast to a mass global audience through radio, television, and the Internet." - Wikipedia.org

Live Earth is actually crap. During Live Earth, you will see Justing Timberlake (note that his name contains the word "timber", suggesting that he had always been cutting down trees for timber for a long time, and also, if you cut off some words, it will be left with "Just Timber", suggesting that he des not think that trees are important) telling you to do something like this:

"Please switch off the lights when you leave a room."

In actually fact, after repeating the quote 3 times, I decoded it and I was left with:

"Please buy my latest album when you enter a shop."


During Live Earth, many celebrities told the crowd to "save the Earth", while they themselves are producing over 75, 500 tonnes of greenhouse gases. This is like a teacher shouting at you to stop shouting, or a gangster telling you to stop being rude. In literature, there is a poem on this:

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Poem Title: Live Earth is a bastarderel.
Writer: EnEn

To please himself,
he flicks the switch,
To upset Earth,
he is a bitch(erel).

To get attention,
he get performers,
To upset Earth,
he waste and litters.

To please the crowd,
he advise others,
To upset Earth,
he distribute flyers.

This is the fate,
man create.

This is Live Earth.

----------


Seriously, I don't see any obvious change in media reports after Live Earth. "The concert for a climate in crisis"? It is correct to say that it is "The climate for a concert in crisis".

So, let me rephrase the "definition" of Live Earth:

"Live Earth was a series of worldwide concerts held on July 7, that dramatically increased sales of popular bands including Arctic Monkeys and Muse. The concert brought together more than 150 musical acts in eleven locations around the world and were broadcast to a massive potential customers through radio, television, and the Internet."

Anyway, stop littering. It destroys the Earth.

The physically challenged.

The physically challenged are those who find it very difficult to anything physical, such as walking, playing soccer and even, smiling. We should never insult them for the following reasons:

1) They can travel faster than you.

See those big wheels they're sitting on? See the hands that are pushing the chairs? They have wheels and we only have two pathetic legs. What can we do with our legs? With wheels, they can grind, they can jump, they can ollie 560 degrees, and we can do none of them.

Once you insult them, let's say, with the phrase:

"Haha, I can play soccer, can you even hold a soccer ball?"

They will start their engines and run over you.




They have much more privilege than you.

Nature's call. You sprint to the nearest toilet. Then grab the nearest handle, and OMG, it's locked, someone's in it. You turn around, there, the handicap toilet. You run, and oops! A person with one leg used his 'tool' to hit you in the back, and you fall. Blood is dripping, and he says:

"Don't mess with my cubicle."

With blood dripping down your legs, you board a bus, and search for a seat, THERE! You run, and oops! A person, with three hands, pushes you away and says:

"Don't mess with my seat."




3) They earn more money than you do.

With posters everywhere, they get money without even working! Imagine, you sit down, someone comes to you, and gives you 3K. It must feel great. We, the non-handicapped people, will never experience something like that.




These people are so rich, they can stay in their homes with friends 24hours per day! Plus, maids and servants cleaning up the area and feeding them for free! Now, do you still want to insult them? Of course not. They are the Bill Gates of Singapore and the You Tube of the people.


P/S: If I am still not happy, I will be writing the second part of this series.