Thursday, May 31, 2007

Britney, I'm so scared.

A few weeks ago, I posted something on Britney Spears, the woman who do not thinks that she is not a female, and therefore, not a girl and a woman altogether. After completing her Basic Military Training (BMT) , she came across my blog and was furious.

This is the email she sent to me.

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From: britneycutie_ _@hotmail.com (Shall not reveal her full e-mail address)
To: Me

Subject: You son of a bitch.

How dare you insult me like that!!! Not only have you spoilt my reputation, you have exposed my breast enhancing secrets and my health problems. I love being a botak-head and I have received many invitations to join several gangs, including the Skin Head. Enen, you are not popular, you are just a blogger who sits down all day long on your couch and sleep. For me, I attend parties after parties, the Grammy Awards and other awards, how about you?

Your blog is the suckiest blog I have EVER seen. It is probably the worse blog in the world. There is too much nonsense in your blog, making it very....nonsensical. The template of this blog is the ugliest thing I have ever seen. In fact, YOU are the worse thing I have ever seen.

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I replied.

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From: me
To: britneycutie_ _@hotmail.com (Shall not reveal her full e-mail address)

Subject: RE: You son of a bitch.

I didn't. I was telling the truth. In fact, you are the worse NS men I have ever seen. You cannot even hold a rifle, the rifle holds you. I am not invited to the gang because I have hair, unlike you, you have nothing on your head, you wax your head until there is so much glare. You can become a nun if you like.

This is you:






So shut up.

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Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Oohk Mada.

I am Oohk Mada, the opposite of Adam Khoo.

Today, I will be discouraging you, as usual, with my latest books, titled: "I am stupid, so are you!" and also "Secrets of self-made millionaires". The two books speaks about why people lose money and why many people commit suicide and become emo, cut themselves, and then, start to kill their family members.

Extracts from "I am stupid, so are you!":

"People are stupid because their parents are stupid. As you know, their genes will be passed on to you, and you have no choice but to be stupid. This also applies to rabbits, but I won't touch on that, it's probably too complicated for you."

"You have to be clever. When your friend slaps you, call SPCA, he is an animal."

"The education system is smart, they divide everyone into three. Clever, stupid and retarded."

This book will help your relatives be realistic and not be self-absorbed into those fiction books that speaks about the Earth being round, or those nonsense on medicines. The truth is the truth and no one can run away from it. So, buy it now.

ONLY S$199.90!

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An extract from "Secrets of self-made millionaires":

"There are many ways to become a millionaire. Popular ones includes drug trafficking, drink driving and also robbing. Bill Gates, a guy who have a lot of money, used his mother's NETS card, and transfer her funds into his account. Now, he is a multi billionaire, but he is a loser, don't worry."

This book explains on the factors that creates millionaires and also to tell the reader the truth on making big bucks. The book contains secrets, so, you are not allowed to tell your friends about the content. So, buy it now.

FOR ONLY S$ 99.89!!!

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The writer nor publisher is responsible for any deaths or injuries deriving from any acts that the books encourage. The books are to blame. It is not the writer's or the publisher's fault. The bookshops that sold the books are also to blame. In fact, the trees that made the paper is also to blame. This applies to every person that reads the books.

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Friday, May 25, 2007

Wankers.

Wankers are people who masturbates. Wanker is an English word by the way, maybe not in the Oxford dictionary, but it is in my dictionary. In fact, it is the fourth most insulting word in the English language:
  1. Saddam
  2. Homework
  3. Fuck
  4. Wank
Wankers are a very interesting bunch of people. They are said to have no friends, no relatives and they do not have a PSP. Contrary to popular beliefs, wankers are said to have an IQ below 7. These are the top wankers on Earth:
  1. Bill Gates (IQ: 4)
  2. Vinod (IQ: 5)
  3. Saloma (IQ: 2.345)
  4. Britney spear (IQ: 1)
  5. Taufik Batisah (IQ: negative 3.14, he got his name wrong.)
There are several ways to spot wankers:

1) They do this in class:


2) They seem to not be desperate. Their temptations are met and achieved at home, in their room, in front of the television behind the door. This is one of the reason why most of your friends cannot go out with you ... ...

You: Eh, are you free to go arcade and play?
Your friend: Oh, sorry, I'm doing my homework and I got to study, my mother does not allow me to go out anyway.
You: Please..
Your friend: [Disconnected tone]

3) Their palms are as smooth as silk. Read it again if you don't understand what I mean. You have to know what is wanking, the art behind wanking, and the history of wanking, oh wait, it should be in all the holy books you can find, it started with Adam and his wife, Saddam Hussein.

4) They do not feel anything when you show them a picture of a hunk or a disgusting picture. It is called desensitization, by the way.


5) Wankers have a very similar face to Taufik Batisah, our beloved and first Singapore Idol, who won because his fans are rich and can afford to pay hundreds of dollars to vote for him. Diagram:

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Sunday, May 20, 2007

Dead after 8 hours on laptop.

Recently, on the 23rd of April, a person died after 8 hours in front of her laptop, or her father's one, or who ever it is, from "deep vein thombosis", which really sound like crap. It sounds similar to "peep pain trombonist" or "pop music".

There may be several reasons to her death. It's not just DVT, it could be..

Death from falling over her chair.


There are several instances where people get killed from doing something which is unlikely to kill them, such as playing with the computer, or, playing with the Nintendo Wii:


Yes, there is a limit to using something. Doing something for too long is always bad. I understand that this person had many stuffs to complete, but she had a blood clot on her leg, isn't that a signal for her to stop?

Good things come with sacrifice. I don't know what I mean. Ignore the sentence.

It is very sad. Someone dying from using the computer for too long. It could have been prevented, but that statement exists only after it is too late. Don't believe? :
  1. The 911 tragedy was plotted by a group of radicals, it could have been prevented.
  2. The SARS outbreak killed many innocent people, it could have been prevented.
  3. The accident happened at the second lane of the PIE leading to Jurong West, it could have been prevented.
  4. I want to say, "it could have been prevented"
The point is, this person was horribly stupid. Let me rephrase that statement. The point is this person could have prevented her death by exercising her lower leg muscles, its bad to play computer for the whole day. I myself feel very tired after using the computer for a mere 2 hours. I am not used to staring at the screen for long periods of time, even though I know many thousand more spent forever trying to "level up" their characters on online games.

And I have the list of worse games:
  1. Maplestory
  2. Warcraft: Dota
  3. Audition
  4. O2Jam
I call them stupid because I saw and can see many of my friends wasting time on this games. The hours wasted on the animations played on the screen, pressing buttons continuously, wasting their parents money on prepaid cards. I feel so sad. Their relationship with their families will loosen, as shown in the next cartoon:


Erm, okay.

The article on the topic is at a URL. But since my blog doesn't allow foreign links, then I can't post it. I'm kidding. It is at:

HERE.

Click. It is tempting.

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Saturday, May 19, 2007

Weather Forecast? Don't.

Don't believe weather forecasts. It is a total hoax. As in, seriously, it is a total hoax. This few people, have nothing to do. Because of that, they stare at clouds, measure how much rain water drop into their cups. These assholes, take our money (taxes), tell us their measurements, and not all of them are real.

Do you know what happened before Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans? This is what happened:


And then, a hurricane hit New Orleans. Sad, real sad, thousands of innocent people died. Is this the kind of people you want to be giving you useless information everyday, in the newspapers, websites and even cartoons that your children watch everyday?

This is what happened before the Boxing Day tsunami hit Sri Lanka:


And then, all hell break lose.

A weather forecaster said:

imagine a rotating sphere that is 12,800 kilometers (8000 miles) in diameter, has a bumpy surface, is surrounded by a 40-kilometer-deep mixture of different gases whose concentrations vary both spatially and over time, and is heated, along with its surrounding gases, by a nuclear reactor 150 million kilometers (93 million miles) away. Imagine also that this sphere is revolving around the nuclear reactor and that some locations are heated more during one part of the revolution and other locations are heated during another part of the revolution. And imagine that this mixture of gases continually receives inputs from the surface below, generally calmly but sometimes through violent and highly localized injections. Then, imagine that after watching the gaseous mixture, you are expected to predict its state at one location on the sphere one, two, or more days into the future. This is essentially the task encountered day by day by a weather forecaster.
—On the difficulty of weather forecasting, Bob Ryan, Bulletin of the American Meteorological Society, 1982.

EnEn said:

Imagine me boxing your face, twice a day. Your face, which has a bumpy surface, hit by a nuclear reactor, fed by warm waters, is surrounded by a 30 kilometer pile of shit, where the concentration of your body is 80 percent shit and 20 percent water. You are expected to predict your state, 5, 6, or even 7 years in the future. This is essentially what you are doing now.
-On Bob Ryan.

With that, I present you, my own weather forecast for this week.

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Friday, May 18, 2007

Why I hate RPG.

Lets talk about people making impossible short forms in online conversations. You all may not received such messages before, but they exist. Super long sentences shorten into just one word. Amazing.

One such example:

BTDTGTTSAWIO

Any guess? It means: "Been there, done that, got the T-shirt and wore it out". What the hell. I thought it was "Botak Teenager Growing Tangibl
e Genitals To Test Sexual Activities With Irritating Overweights"

Another:

MTFBWY

Any guess? It means: "May the force be with you." In fact, this phrase is commonly used in Star Wars!


Another:


STYSOABYRSMBYAHIFYAWTM


It means: "Shut up you son of a b***h you really suck my balls you a**hole in fact you are worse than me." Commonly used to insult your relatives without them knowing. This works well when your parents are scolding you, and you just want to insult them in their face. Works well with almost everyone, except for faggots, which means that it doesn't work with President Bush and Osama Bin Laden.


Why the hell do they want to have such useless short forms? If this is legal, I would have short- form-a-tise my whole compo and get a full mark for perfect grammar and usage of words. This is applicable to ALL English teachers.

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Sunday, May 13, 2007

What are we going to do after Earth? (Other than dying)

Earth is dying. Global warming threatens to wet our floors. Melt our ice-cream, and also, causing us to switch on our air-conditioners longer, thus, wasting electricity. Earth is dying. I repeat. Earth is dying. I repeat, Earth is dying.

As such, we must have new ideas to counter this problem! We have the technology, we have the mindset, we have the resources, but, we have not anything yet. YET. I, EnEn, owner of lifeaintsosimple.blogspot.com will present my ideas on countering this problem.

My solution is: Space Travel.

The main problem on space travel is cost. It is super expensive. If you tap your ez link card on the machine inside the space shuttle, the machine will start insult you. I mean it. To solve this problem, all poor people will be given money by their government. Rich people must give some to the poor people.


















Another problem is: Human Temptation.

These are some human needs and wants:

1) Water
2) Oxygen
3) Sex, I mean, reproduction to prevent extinction
4) A Playstation Portable

For the water, they could bring water bottles into space. For oxygen, bring oxygen masks. For the third one, bring their girlfriend along, PROVIDED they do not have AIDS, HIV and bitchness. The fourth one, AKA, most important one, AKA, PSP, they could buy a PSP, then bring it along, PROVIDED they have the following games:
  1. Starwars: The return of the Jedi Mutants
  2. Space travel simulator
  3. Dead or Alive Extreme Beach Volleyball


















Another problem: Space travel is too long.

No one can survive more than 120 years, but, if you want to go to the nearest habitable planet, it takes ''quite a while'. So how? We go hibernation. Simple. We can fit all the astronauts into the fridge, freeze them, when they reach, we put them in an oven. Or a microwave, for those impatient ones.




















(Amazing, I did not insult in this post!)

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Friday, May 11, 2007

Fliers.

Lets just face it, fliers = propaganda. Companies nowadays just can't survive without propaganda anymore, reason being that they have one great quality most people want to have, but can't reach that limit anyway.

Totally inept at everything they do. (except propaganda)


















This statement isn't baseless. In fact, scientists have said that it is true that most companies are totally inept in everything they do except propaganda. Scientists like Albert Einstein himself. I've taken the initiative to type out what what he said: "Companies are totally inept at everything they do except propaganda. What they know is to write a load full of rubbish and prompt you into subscribing as a member under their company's name and become a living advertisement for them. They don't even know what is inside an proton. Look at me, I know. There are quarks. I am different. I am an exceptionally adroit physicist".

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By the way, after months of studies, I found out the key factors as to why they are inept at everything.

1) They have classy names like ''Adam''.

What's wrong with the name? EVERYTHING! You ever heard of one of this popular belief? Adam is believed to be the first person alive created by god. Why the hell do people name their children Adam. Perhaps..they believe that their child is the first monster created by god? Maybe when I have a child, I'll name my child Hitler if it's a boy, and Stalin if it's a girl.

2) They actually prefer Yahoo than Google.

1 word: abnormal.

3) They watch ''x idol'', where x can be any country.

Watching it is as good as staring at the wall. You watch a show, featuring someone getting famous, while you just sit comfortably at home and vote for some idiot. I don't even understand how such a program is allowed to be shown on television. If these type of show can be so popular, maybe I should make my own show featuring how much of a genius I actually am. (people who disagree can go to hell)

4) They eat fishballs.
























A fish ball and a fish.

First of all fish balls don't even look like fish. fish balls are white, round, and usually choke babies to death. Fish don't. Oh wait, they kill babies by letting them swallow their bones. But they still look different anyway. A fish ball lives on land. Fishes don't. Once they reach land, they die. Just think: do fishermen fish for fish..or fish balls? A fish can swim, while a fish ball can roll. I mean, what the fuck? Why can't people just start eating fish and not artificial balls? Is it so hard to not eat balls for once? Oh yah. Male fish have balls.

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I think I totally went off topic, but it doesn't matter anyway.

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Wednesday, May 09, 2007

KFC sucks.

KFC is a liar. Propaganda. Loser. Customer cheater. And any other available insults available in all the languages available. Why? Because KFC uses propaganda to instill pleasure into potential customers minds. They are liars. It is almost as if Stalin is the one who owns KFC.

They are skilled at lying to customers. One of them are video clips shown on television and and pictures shown to passers-by. It is totally fake. I mean it. As in, my friend bought the "new" melts thingy which is:-

"Juicy diced tomatoes, barbeque-flavoured nachos and and creamy barbeque mayonnaise, set off with the aroma of smooth cheese and the distinctive flavour of Original Recipe chicken, all wrapped in a warm, toasted tortilla!" - KFC, a sucker, 2007

They make the sentence sound so nice, but if you read properly, it is, in EnEn's version:

"Tomatoes plus barbeque flavored nachos and mayonnaise plus cheese plus flavour of Original Recipe chicken in tortilla." - EnEn, not a sucker, 2007

See? All the unnecessary description before every noun in the advertisement, designed to fake the reader to make assumptions on the food, such as, "smooth" and " distinctive". I mean, what the hell?

Here is the picture that is shown in the advertisements:



Nice..

Now, I would shade the parts that are fake, and show you the real thing:


And here is the real thing:




I believe that KFC should have a new slogan, and I have some suggestions for their new slogan:
  1. You eat chicken?
  2. I love fats!
  3. Chickens are my best friends.
  4. Kids For Chicken.
  5. I hate MacDonald's.
Do you know the who founded KFC? His name is Colonel Sanders. He is quite handsome for people of his age, amazing, though. During his young age, he is seen to be playing with the 3 chickens he had as pets in his backyard behind his house. His favourite animal is the chicken. Unfortunately, that is his favourite food too. He can spent over more than 6 hours playing with chickens, such as playing dead, sliding down the slope and having tea together. He developed a very nice, as in, very very very nice recipe, but because he is a very selfish guy, he didn't tell anyone and he died.

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Sunday, May 06, 2007

Gays?

I don't understand why boys like boys and girls like girls. It is an utter disgrace to humankind. It is not even in nature for humans to like the same gender. Other than the boring physical aspects of the other gender which you obviously have (unless handicapped, dislocated to just plain pathetic), your other gender's mental state is also about the same as yours.


















Gays are like that. It is a good thing that Singapore doesn't allow gay. Imagine, gays walking in orchard road, kissing, hugging, making love, blah. It would be a horrible sight. Totally horrible. I also believe that all gays should be hanged.


"They have been gay. They are constantly gay. Gay." - EnEn, 2007


I know how to detect people who have gay family or they themselves are gay.

Do YOU know how?
These are a few phrases that people always say, whether they are gay, their parents are gay or they know people who are gay.

1) My mother and mother are going to work, want to come over to my house?
2) I don't have a mother.
3) He has a boyfriend.
4) She has a girlfriend.
5) I don't have a father.
6) I hate my mothers who always nag.
7) My fathers are always scolding me.
8) I am going into the same toilet with my stead.
9) Me and my partner do not have to wear a bra.
10) During orientation camp where both genders are separated, I slept together with my partner.


Have you ever heard of these sentences? Be careful of them. When they touch you, they are getting pleasure, while you are getting irritated. With that, I will make my guide on how to handle gays:

1) If your friend is gay and always walks with you, find another person of the same gender as you and make him jealous.
2) If your teacher is gay, always hand in your work from the left, gays are prone to not notice people of the same gender from the left.
3) If your parents are gay, never have a close friend that is of the same gender as you, your parents will ask you to marry, fast.
4) If you are in a gay community, and many of them are staring at you, shout: "I hate gays, gays suck!"
5) Never, ever talk to a friend that is gay and of the same gender as you, you may make them think that you like them, that..is undesirable.


















Are you getting the hang of it? Are you looking left and right, trying to find gays in your area? FEAR NOT, there are things that gays always wear:

1) I-shirt with the words: "I love this gender"
2) A cap with the words: "this feels good"
3) A blue shirt with yellow fading lines on the left side of the hips.


















Are you gay? That, is the question.

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Wednesday, May 02, 2007

"I am not a girl, not yet a woman" - Britney Spears

Britney Spears is a celebrity. You should know her, she is damn popular. She is hot, pretty and sexy. And that is all sarcasm. Her songs sucks. She can't even put logic into her song. And one of them is "I am not a girl, not yet a woman". It is one of the worst songs in history, ever.



































Do you know how she got famous? She sang the song, "Oops, I did it again" that is also one of the worst song in history, but they remove it from the list after getting blackmailed. Do you know how irritating it is?



EnEn: Can you stop doing that?
Britney: Okay, okay. (punches EnEn)
EnEn: WTF?
Britney: OOPS, I DID IT AGAIN. (punches EnEn)
EnEn: WTF?
Britney: OOPS, I DID IT AGAIN.


















And, she just shaved herself bald. I thought that she was damn stupid, but then, after hours of thinking, I made two reasons on why she have to shave her head.

















1) She is going to NS. Everyone who steps into the barrack must shave themselves bald. So, Britney Spears MUST be going to NS! News reports say that she is entering the army as a singer for dead soldiers.


















2) She has cancer, so, she must go for a chemotherapy.


In fact, there are physical evidence! Can you see two huge lumps on her chest? That's the cancer cells. It grows by one size every plastic surgery. Why didn't anyone think of this? It is so damn obvious!

So, Britney, you have to improve your attitude, and nice hairstyle you got.

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Tuesday, May 01, 2007

We have had enough of your stupid ads. Stop it. No one is buying anything.

You know why Singapore's one of the country who have the highest myopic population in the world? Just look at how many stupid advertisements that are aired everyday to damage our eyes. They all have one thing in common. Wait. They have everything in common. Shit.

I mean, all of these ads claim that their product can do something in just seconds, something which is useless and stupid such as changing diapers. Who the hell wants to help babies change diapers anyway? Babies are too pampered. Every time i see them, they will either be sleeping, or crying. Shit in diapers? Clean it yourself, baby.

Usually, the advertisements will all be about the same. I've listed off a few, which are shown below.

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Someone will be doing some stupid stuff with the advertised product like washing plates or mopping the floor. All of a sudden, there will be a man walking out from now where and ask some stupid shit like "Hey, you WILL NOT BE ABLE to get rid of that stain. You need (advertised product)", and the person will suddenly stop whatever he's doing and answer in a relatively shocked manner:

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

At this point of time, many people will be looking at the TV and will all think in their mind:

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

The man doing the stupid thing will then try out the product, and exclaim something equally stupid such as "Hey! It really works!", and like anyone really care, seriously. Finally, both of them will face the camera and..

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

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Another type is somewhat similar to the first. There will be some idiotic melody played at the start of the advertisement, while the camera slowly move left and right, and finally zoom in to... ...

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

some idiot washing a car using the advertised product. The next thing that everyone will expect to happen is another guy walking in and asking "Hey what the hell are you doing?" The idiot will reply with some idiotic reply like "I'm just saving money and time" and give the same type of smile pedophiles give.

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I just don't get how the companies even agree to air such stupid advertisements.

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